Writing Prompt:
Many people describe life as having a “before” and an “after” when cancer enters the picture. Who were you before? Who are you today? How has this experience shaped your understanding of yourself?
Before and after. Beginning and ending. Yesterday, today, tomorrow. There was once a time that these terms really meant something to me.
Over time, my understanding of these terms, these words, became just sounds that we interpret internally to have specific meaning for ourselves, which had shifted drastically. I learned the mindset of thinking in two to three parts (before/after, (beginning, middle, end)) didn’t resonate with who I am and who I am becoming. Prior to the diagnosis, I was living a life where I would constantly look for more work, more gigs, more opportunities to get ahead, only to find when I was ahead and accomplished to a degree, I felt incomplete, even purposeless; and life felt insufferable.
I wasn’t struggling with work, making money, building relationships, staying in shape or keeping up with the latest trends, yet I still felt empty. Every time I’d be at work, every time I’d receive a paycheck, every time I spent days and nights with friends or significant others, I would often ponder to myself, “what more is there? This truly can’t be it.” This was the “beginning “of the opening of my mind. The “race” being run is an illusion and true purpose and fulfillment were outside the confines of what we are told. Once I started to question things on a deeper level, I became an outcast to those around me, family included. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Shortly after this discovery, what I call the maiden voyage of the journey of “why”; I was labeled with the diagnosis. The peculiar thing is when diagnosed, I wasn’t scared, I was calm, and in a way, numb. I didn’t know what was on the other side of the label. Some may call it ignorance, but I call it grace; the grace of not knowing and not caring to the degree of what everyone else said I should. I knew there was only one way, and that way was through; and through didn’t have a beginning or an end, but only to continue on.
After surgery, my perspective grew as well as the pain, suffering, tears and feelings of utter defeat, disgust and disappointment with myself, but I kept in my mind that I must keep moving forward. I’m not saying it was easy as it sure as hell wasn’t, but learning to adopt the mindset of one minute, one step, one meal, one moment of peace and prayer at a time is all I need, as this journey is not temporary; rather one that will not end now nor later but will continue as it is ever changing me, teaching me, molding me into someone I could never have imagined.
When the battle was intense with rehab and recovery in its most rigorous stages, many mishaps and fallouts occurred with people around me whom I once loved, and I began to understand that time is seamless, that there is no before and after in my eyes, but rather, a slow revealing of self and the truth of reality and people around you. I was a man of constant worry and anxiety for many years, but being brought towards the gift of accepting uncertainty in life, yet with certainty of pain on many levels, has helped to shape the mind I have today. Suffering is strengthening, tears are healing, and brokenness is vulnerability incubating.
The way I see people, circumstances and life now is more beautiful than it has ever appeared. The journey continues, the clarity increases with more depth to who I am, why I am and how I am is revealed. My life is fuller than it has been in any way, shape or form. I have much less physically and materially than I once had, but I have gained even more internally, mentally, emotionally and spiritually than one could ever fathom. And the most amazing part of all this? Is that I know I will continue to grow as there is only now, and the choices you make in the now lead to consequences both positive and negative, which will produce fruit or famine. Even with an abundance in life, when not cared for meticulously, with gratefulness, kindness and gentleness; with awareness, introspection and nurturing, that same abundance cannot thrive.
All in all, why I stopped adhering to the beginning and ending mindset, but a continuous ebb and flow is that I believe that completeness can trigger decline, but humility and being a perpetual student invites progress. The eyes are useless when the mind is blind. There is no guarantee in a world that won’t give you one, so stop looking and keep going.
-Andrew Williams
CSCLA’s weekly Creative Writing Group takes place every Wednesday over Zoom from 1-3 PM.
To learn more about our group listing and how to join, click HERE.
