My dear fragile yet resilient body,
Look at you go! After years and years of a missing appetite, congratulations on your newfound enjoyment of meals with friends, appreciating food as fuel, quickly learning which foods do not serve you and adjusting intuitively.
The way you have been reacting to fear and trauma just speaks to how deeply you know and trust yourself. Taking your friend to UCLA for her infusion and ending up in the emergency room was not a failure but a success in recognizing clear triggers and understanding the profound underlying impact that still lives within you as you so bravely navigate the unexpected side effects of the cancer journey we endured.
You are a phoenix who continues to reveal herself through the ashes of every unknown, twist and turn. 8 years of symptoms and knowing something was wrong yet pushing through because you didn’t want to be a burden. Well burden were you not nor will you ever be. The way you indicate when I need to speak up is a gift that allows my heart and soul to stand in my truth because you serve as proof that listening to the intuition you so divinely guided us through gave us the chance to truly live. This is a superpower that I’m so sorry you saw as a weakness for your first 35 years on earth.
I will always listen to you, respect you, nurture you, appreciate you. I will hold you when you are scared and support you as your strength continues to come to light. Your experience is valid. The sludge monster you saw during the visualization therapy session prior to your colon cancer diagnosis is one of many examples that you knew what was happening inside and did everything in your power to bring awareness to it. I refused to date for 5 years because you so accurately indicated that I was not myself to a level deep enough that I was unwilling to bring new energies into my life until I could understand what you were trying to tell me. Thanks to you, I was able to catch my colon cancer at stage 1 and give my brother the gift of not having to go through it because he had a 7-year head start on seeing inside.
You are stronger than I ever could have dreamt up and I feel proud that my soul gets to reside here within you. Thank you for showing up even when I really push you, for teaching me how far is too far, and for guiding us to another chance at a healthy life to make the difference we were intended to.
Love,
You
Danielle Gruberger is a young adult colon cancer survivor who turned to creative expression as a way to cope with the emotional weight of her diagnosis and recovery. Since becoming a member of CSCLA, creative writing has become one of many mindfulness practices that helped her grind meaning and clarity in chaos. Her pieces are personal reflections from her journey that she shares in hopes of offering comfort and connection to anyone who can relate as they navigate their own. She participates in CSCLA’s weekly Creative Writing Group, which takes place every Wednesday over zoom from 1-3PM.
To learn more about the writing group and how to join, click HERE.
